Your introduction works very well for this assignment as it effectively incorporates media/magazines’ power to define masculinity and how the GAP ad promotes retrosexuality as a new masculinity. I would suggest that you add a brief explanation of retrosexuality? The first paragraph opens with a sentence that focuses on clothes or the product which you analyze effectively. But ad/clarify how the model is ‘acting, and not appearing’ in the ad? He seems to be standing still and looking at the camera/viewer? Also, reread this paragraph and pay attention to your punctuation, especially the commas. In the first and third sentence you use commas, which create what is called a comma splice. You should be using periods. Your second paragraph effectively analyzes the model’s un-groomed face and facial expression, and the connection you make to Bordo’s chapter is great. But you may want to think more about the difference between this look, retro, and what mertosexual men do. Again, this would be clearer if you explain retrosexuality. Your last body paragraph, addresses the pose of the model which you identify as ‘rock’ from Bordo's piece. But you also say the model invites the gaze of the viewer, female and male, right? So just as you suggest that the GAP ad is selling a new look, and new masculinity, then maybe the model in the ad is blending the masculine and feminine qualities? A ‘rock’ who wants to be looked at instead of intimidating the viewer? Your conclusion defines the retrosexual, but I think you should state this earlier in the paper, as you refer to it throughout but only define it at the end?
Peer Review: Content and Clarity 1) This essay definitely addresses the task of explaining what type of masculinity the GAP ad is trying to sell. 2a)The introduction paragraph has a thesis statement that explains exactly what the essay is going to talk about b) The writer described what was going on in the ad that it allows people to visually picture the ad in their mind c) The body paragraphs do support the thesis because they all explain one type of masculinity and do not contradict themselves d) the conclusion was very well thought out. the writer found a way to reword their thesis and leave the reader with some good analogies. 3) the strengths of the first draft is organization. the essay was very well organized and transitioned very well between body paragraphs. 4) The draft needs improvement in clarifying the second paragraph. it appears to be missing some key words which make the reader have to play fill in the blank in order to get the message.
Your introduction works very well for this assignment as it effectively incorporates media/magazines’ power to define masculinity and how the GAP ad promotes retrosexuality as a new masculinity. I would suggest that you add a brief explanation of retrosexuality? The first paragraph opens with a sentence that focuses on clothes or the product which you analyze effectively. But ad/clarify how the model is ‘acting, and not appearing’ in the ad? He seems to be standing still and looking at the camera/viewer? Also, reread this paragraph and pay attention to your punctuation, especially the commas. In the first and third sentence you use commas, which create what is called a comma splice. You should be using periods. Your second paragraph effectively analyzes the model’s un-groomed face and facial expression, and the connection you make to Bordo’s chapter is great. But you may want to think more about the difference between this look, retro, and what mertosexual men do. Again, this would be clearer if you explain retrosexuality. Your last body paragraph, addresses the pose of the model which you identify as ‘rock’ from Bordo's piece. But you also say the model invites the gaze of the viewer, female and male, right? So just as you suggest that the GAP ad is selling a new look, and new masculinity, then maybe the model in the ad is blending the masculine and feminine qualities? A ‘rock’ who wants to be looked at instead of intimidating the viewer? Your conclusion defines the retrosexual, but I think you should state this earlier in the paper, as you refer to it throughout but only define it at the end?
ReplyDeletePeer Review: Content and Clarity
ReplyDelete1) This essay definitely addresses the task of explaining what type of masculinity the GAP ad is trying to sell.
2a)The introduction paragraph has a thesis statement that explains exactly what the essay is going to talk about
b) The writer described what was going on in the ad that it allows people to visually picture the ad in their mind
c) The body paragraphs do support the thesis because they all explain one type of masculinity and do not contradict themselves
d) the conclusion was very well thought out. the writer found a way to reword their thesis and leave the reader with some good analogies.
3) the strengths of the first draft is organization. the essay was very well organized and transitioned very well between body paragraphs.
4) The draft needs improvement in clarifying the second paragraph. it appears to be missing some key words which make the reader have to play fill in the blank in order to get the message.